It’s so hard to forgive others when they’ve betrayed you. But it’s SO much harder to forgive yourself. Why is it that we focus so much time on making sure that we forgive others because otherwise it just hurts us BUT we don’t spend any time talking about how badly and deeply we need to forgive ourselves? Doesn’t that hurt so much worse?
Maybe it’s just me but I have a very small list of people I am actively forgiving because it takes time and none of those people are me. And I spend so very little time thinking about the hurt that they left me with and I spend soooooo very much time thinking about the hurt that I’ve created for myself.
I have so many friends who remind me that I have to cast out the shame of past mistakes because it’s a lie and my Beloved called me His daughter so I’d no longer have to bare that shame. But some days, I hear something or see something and can’t resist morphing back into that thick ugly shame that I always swear I moved past.
So the real question is how many times do I have to pray for peace and forgiveness and grace for myself before I start to feel like I’m drifting out of self-hate? Because if I’m being real, some days I wake up neck deep in hate and not for anyone or anything besides myself. I’m not depressed or suicidal or anything, I just sometimes feel like maybe God got the wrong person when He chose me. And I wonder if He’s as disappointed with His choice as I am.