I spy...

ChristynNicole's personal thoughts

Are You as disappointed as I am?

It’s so hard to forgive others when they’ve betrayed you. But it’s SO much harder to forgive yourself. Why is it that we focus so much time on making sure that we forgive others because otherwise it just hurts us BUT we don’t spend any time talking about how badly and deeply we need to forgive ourselves? Doesn’t that hurt so much worse?

Maybe it’s just me but I have a very small list of people I am actively forgiving because it takes time and none of those people are me. And I spend so very little time thinking about the hurt that they left me with and I spend soooooo very much time thinking about the hurt that I’ve created for myself. 

I have so many friends who remind me that I have to cast out the shame of past mistakes because it’s a lie and my Beloved called me His daughter so I’d no longer have to bare that shame. But some days, I hear something or see something and can’t resist morphing back into that thick ugly shame that I always swear I moved past.

So the real question is how many times do I have to pray for peace and forgiveness and grace for myself before I start to feel like I’m drifting out of self-hate? Because if I’m being real, some days I wake up neck deep in hate and not for anyone or anything besides myself. I’m not depressed or suicidal or anything, I just sometimes feel like maybe God got the wrong person when He chose me. And I wonder if He’s as disappointed with His choice as I am.

Have you ever had those days where you feel like you’re starting to walk a little too close to the edge but you can’t seem to keep your distance? One foot in front of the other. I learned how to walk when I was a toddler but suddenly I catch myself forgetting what comes next. I can see over the edge enough to know I don’t want to end up slipping off but I can’t seem to catch my footing enough to stay in the center. 

And isn’t it bizarre that your dreams sometimes consist of either fantasy or fear? In the same space, our subconscious imagines both the best and the worst and when you close your eyes to fall asleep, all you can do is hope for happiness. 

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the tragedy and excitement of it all is that we don’t always get to decide what’s next. But we do get to decide if we keep walking or freeze in terror. And we do get to decide if we fall asleep or render ourselves useless to exhaustion. The end game isn’t always how we dreamed it would be but that’s not permission to stop playing. 

walk away.

Sometimes you have to “clock out” and walk away. Sometimes you have to unbury the roots and remember why you wanted them there in the first place. Sometimes you have to find the source and soak it up and learn to love this life you chose all over again. Because discontentment will sneak up on you and spoil your plans if you aren’t careful. And all of that passion you’ve been crafting your masterpiece on will deteriorate and you’ll be left sifting through your own disaster. 

I’m clocking out and going to visit my friends in the record store. Admiring the history that grew my desire to be here in the first place, walking through the aisles that so many eager feet have traced before. And I’ll be praying that I find my way back to the roots where my masterpiece resides. 

It’s a Reale boy

I’m sorry but I’m not sorry anymore.

I have a confession to make. I wish to be a confident woman but I’m not. I have become weakened by the males in my life that command that I apologize for being a strong woman. I’ve apologized for my independence, beauty, strength, upbringing, work ethics, standards, beliefs, amongst other things.

Why do I feel guilty for confronting the disrespectful? Why does the feeling of sensitivity lead me to apologize for my emotions? Why is my response to crying in public apologizing to the witnesses? Why don’t I feel like I deserve to be in control of my career? Who am I apologizing to? Why am I apologizing? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR WRITING THIS?!

And this is my attempt at withdrawing those apologies. And my plea that you would audit your routine and acknowledge where you are apologizing and for what. And my plea that you would hold me accountable to stop apologizing. Dig to the foundation of the apology until you discover the origin. It won’t be easy admittance and what I’m finding even harder is forgiving myself for all of the apologies I’ve released. But it’ll be a healthy discovery and a redeeming test of grace.

"I’m sorry," shouldn’t be a habitual response to conversation. And guilt shouldn’t be a habitual emotional response to strength.

Night strolls to the beach in Jurassic Park

Gastonia, NC

Gastonia, NC

👶💤 passed out behind the merch table.

👶💤 passed out behind the merch table.

Crowder mountain north carolina